I stood with my mother in a dressing room of the children’s clothing business, “Limited Too” in Miami.
“You’re hurting me,” I said to her, as she tried, my body in a T-Shirt with an American squeeze flag. It was already the biggest dress sizein the Store was sold. My mother wanted to help me.
In the third class, I rolled for hours in the catalogs of the “Limited Too”. I just wish longingly for a the belly free Bandana-tops Boho-Chic, but I also dreamed of having the perfect body.
My mother had bought the America Shirt for a Patriotic school event where we should place our khaki-coloured school, the colors Red, White and Blue uniforms are exceptional to wear. At the end I put on, but anything else.
After I complete my Childhood in a overweight body spent, had I succeeded, with the early 20’s finally, almost 40 kilos. It happened at a time where I thought that I had already tried everything.
I claimed at the time, at least compared to my friend, derständig comments about the attractiveness of other women desisted, which were slimmer than I am. He assured me that it was really just thermodynamics and that I could lose weight, if I would only “really want”. In the passive-aggressive attempt to convince him of the contrary, I ate at some point. (Did I mention, how healthy is this relationship?)
As my pounds started to tumble all of a sudden, I had to admit that he had been right. But, given my new body in the end had won but I. At least I saw it at the time. By the weight loss, my life has in many ways changed for the Better. My elevated blood pressure and my resting heart rate began to normalize , and eventually reached even sporting values.
Also, I discovered that Hiking is my passion for heavy mountain and for weight lifting. After I had lost so much excess body fat I started to also, me in the bed kicks. I was intoxicated, I suddenly permanently the attention of men on michzog. Since then I had longed for so long.
Within half a year, I tried out my new body with six different partners. Previously, I had in the four years after I had lost my innocence, just with two men slept.
I have this “new” body now for almost 5 years. In the meantime, I became also clear, however, which are less immediate and not-so-nice consequences, can bring such a massive weight loss.
Take off is in the implementation, while difficult, in the theory, however, is quite easy: You just have less to take than you burn. In reality, this of course requires an immense effort. Moreover, diets can have a lasting impact on the Psyche.
In the Netflix Film “To the Bone” is one of Lily Collins played anorexia-patient, accused of the “calories-Asperger-syndrome” suffer. And although it will keep me determined never anorexic, I understand very well. When I see food, I just to food, but to certain Numbers.
I think about how many calories and carbohydrates are included, and how long will I have to exercise to burn them back. I check after every single bite, I’ll take that to me. To chewing gum and mineral water. I spend almost two hours every day imfitness Studio. I consider myself strict and relatively arbitrary food rules. Sometimes I get late in the evening, extreme eating Binges.
And although I only have food for me to take, in my eyes, “are allowed”, can it still happen that I will , at a stroke, 2,000 calories eat. I swallow then, for example, a half-pound of almonds or a whole pack of Protein bars. The next Tagversuche I, atone for the slip by I place the Crosstrainer on the highest level, to burn everything immediately.
This behavior sounds like maybe an eating disorder. And it may well be that I actually have a Problem. I give often half in jest, that I sports-bulimia suffer. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would classify myself as around level 3.
Much worse, however, is that I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder, because I have an incredible fear of me to look for help. For me, it is much easier to just go on living as before. I like my disturbed eating behavior.
I like the feeling of control that seems to give it to me. Even if I don’t have it anymore, obviously, so not under control. The Problem is the feeling of Power that conveys my eating habits to me. I experience this feeling, when a man’s car, his head out the truck window and says: “My lady, you look absolutely great ― only if you should still have told nobody.”
Or when a man falls in front of me on the sidewalk on his knees and his hands in a prayer position in the sky. And when a man looks in a cafe on my overturned legs and asks me if I’m a dancer.
In addition, I also enjoy many practical benefits. For example, if a man at the checkout smiles at me behind the glass wall, shy and for a free space for looking for me, although the idea is already sold out. Or if I come once again with a simple warning, even though I am driving too fast.
That I have developed in this direction, it is sometimes the fact that you had made me earlier in no uncertain terms that I was disgusting. In high school I was the girl who the guys in your dares kiss. You did this because you just the idea of it did fürunglaublich funny.
If one of the guys kissed me, began my heart to flutter wildly, because I had longed so much for attention. To be able to life now from the other side, which is breath-taking and unimaginable.
“The whole world beautiful women’s feet”, I had written in my diary. I have been me, but still not quite sure if I deserved this adjective at all.
The Problem is that a too late are aware of why it was actually so much to this kind of attention yearned for. The truth is that in our culture the value of a woman depends extremely heavily by their outward appearance. In our culture women know that they are only of value when your body to sell well.
The Problem, however, is that women do under these circumstances, all of the upgraded Version of yourself. By the fear of my current beauty ― or, more precisely, the fear of losing these said ― I’ll have to lock me in a cage. I spend my life counting calories, and exercising on the Stepper. This life, however, is not at all the way I had it to me once painted.
I remember that I watched the pretty, slim girl to like you for lunch wonderful way, Pizza and French fries could eat without obvious consequences. I imagined her life as a single Party: they were constantly flirting and have been able to enjoy in addition, even without any repentance on the finest Treats.
Then when I got a similarly slim body as these girls, I had this carefree active life-style is failing. Because I was a slave to my new thinness has become, I at any time lose it. Alcohol has too many calories. And since I train early in the morning like crazy in the gym, I’m much to tired to go out in the evening.
Also, I’m an introvert who tends to the disease of addiction. That’s why I stay in the evening, mostly at home reading books or doing crossword puzzles. I feel my good looks as a dwindling resource. I feel like a lamp, which gradually dimming the light I’m wasting.
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of my enormous weight loss, however, is that I still have to fight always with me. I have done so much and made me insanely hard. However, although I have done so much to achieve the opposite, and I spend still a lot more time hating my body than to love him.
I press and squeeze in front of the mirror to my face. I pull back the skin on my chin and check to see if my beauty is still intact ― if you was ever. I’ve lived the past five years in the Belief and fear that I could gain all the weight back any moment.
This article was written by Jamie Cattanach
*The article “What nobody says, if you suddenly lose a lot of weight” comes from HuffPost. There is no editorial review by FOCUS Online. Contact with the executives here.